Today, I had the pleasure to run on an off-site for a middle aged couple.  An off-site is when a bellman leaves the property of the hotel in order to acquire goods for a hotel guest.  This can be anything from buying a hairbrush to running a left behind wallet to a guest at an airport.  The price varies by the job.  But typically it will cost the guest about $25 plus the cost of the item.

I personally love to do off-sites.  I get to leave the hotel, traverse out on my own, and make some quick money all while helping the guest at the same time.  My mission for today’s off-site involved buying a can of Lysol.  Yes, Lysol.  Why?  I seriously don’t know folks.  Maybe it was for spraying the bed or a back up for cleaning up the filth of the night.  I have no clue.  But sixty bucks and a request for Lysol got my butt out the hotel doors and off into the dark night in search of  the notorious cleaning spray.

Upon successful delivery of the Lysol, the true games began.

I knock on the door to room 1840.  2 minutes pass.  I hear shuffling.  “Maybe they were banging,” I thought. “I’ll wait a minute.”

The safety lock is opens.  More shuffling.  The door is still closed.  “This is odd.”

Finally after another minute, the door is popped open.  A butt naked blond in her thirties opens the door and walks away.

In I walk with hesitation, hanging by the door.

“Come in. Come in.” says her coked up husband.  He walks over to me in a t-shirt with his dong hanging out.

“Here’s your Lysol,” I say.

“Cool.  Are there any condoms in the room?” he says.

“There should be an intimacy kit.  If not, I can have housekeeping send one up.”

“Is that how it has to happen?” he replies.

“Well, yeah, I mean, Let me try to find it in your room though.”

He walks away for a second.  I search in all the possible nooks and crannies for the intimacy kit praying to find it and leave at once.

“I’ll tell you what.  You find the condoms and I’ll let you bang my wife once.”  He hollers.

“Oh, Lordy….” I’m freaking out.

Of course at that very moment I locate the intimacy kit.

“Here it is,” I say.

“O.K.. come here.  Just this once alright.  You tell anyone and I’ll kill you.”  he says.

I look over and see his wife dying for some loving as she lays sprawled out on the bed.  Her body is tight and her boobs amazing!

I just couldn’t muster up the guts.

It’s such an awkward situation.  The Lysol, the randomness, the shuffling, the complete strangers….

In fight or flight mode I said, “No I’m good.  Go ahead,”  and walked out the door.

It amazes me to this day the shit people do, are willing to do, and engage in on a daily basis.  Coming from an upstanding background and raised with morals it, frankly baffles me.

What are these people thinking?!!!!

http://www.tipping.org/tips/bellman.html

Although, it tends be slightly cynical, there is a lot of solid knowledge in what he has to offer.  The experiences tend to be very similar to my own.

Over time, dealing with people day in and day out, bellmen do become jaded.  I never met anyone who hasn’t.  Well, there was one guy once, who fought the good fight, long and hard, but the PEOPLE got to him eventually.  They always do.

Being a bellman one comes into contact with the good and the downright UGLY in people.  It’s hard to experience first hand if one’s outlook on life is positive.  You simply deal with it.  Get through the day.

But hope is reignited when a class act walks into the hotel and tips graciously with no needs for thank you’s.  Yes, all of human kind is rested on a few, kind, brave, souls.

Enjoy the article!

It seems to me to be basic sense:  How you treat others is how they will treat you.  Unfortunately many managers within the customer service industry either never learned this or lack sufficient management training.

Often times I will see managers at the executive level engaging in behavior that they should have learned not to do in a management 101 course at your local community college.  It’s quite appalling to witness and receive this passive aggressive acts.

Our hotel was recently mystery shopped.  The bellmen scored a whopping 100%.  The best department score in the entire hotel.  Yet, one day later, an executive approached 3 bellmen at the front door and asked:

“Why are you standing inside instead of outside the doors?”

There was no “Good Morning.”  There was no “HI, nice to see you.”  There was no “Congratulations.”

There was simpy a focus on the negative.

I find this behavior immature, irrational, and quite pathetic.  Being on the receiving end, an employee feels like a 4th grader being scolded over something trivial.

The more and more this occurs, the more and more I seek ways to leave my work place.  It’s petty bullshit that no employee should have to deal with.

This is the executive with his head in the sand.  This is the executive that needs to go back to school.

This is a boss you must RUN from.

“This is going to be a hallmark event.  A moment that everyone will remember.  Shit, it’s time to go.  Oh shit, I’ll just throw my clothes in some trash bags.”

People!!!  What on Earth are thinking?  Take a look at the above picture.  Does that man look like he’s taking out the trash or visiting a hotel?

If you can’t decide, you got an issue that needs to be dealt with.  Right Away!

As far fetched as it may sound, there are a group of people who still think it is cool to come into fancy hotels with trash bags for their luggage.  Big Mistake.

First off, no bellman wants to touch a trash bag.  We associate trash bags with trash and therefore don’t want to be taking care of any one’s trash.  Got it?  It’s disgusting.

Forget about the help, once your  trash bags do make it past the front door, there are a slew of people socializing and drinking in the lobby.  No one paying $350.00 and up a night wants to be reminded of the world’s problems..  Maybe if you cover those trash bags with your mucus stained pillows it could help the situation.  Wrong again.

By the time we have arrived at the front desk.  I’ve received enough eye jeering from other guests to make me want to throw up.  Once the Front Desk catches sight of your situation, you can kiss an upgrade goodbye.  And most likely have your room flagged.  What normal person would think it is okay to bring in trash bags of clothes to a ritzy hotel?  Seriously people?!

As we make our way to your room, there is nothing worse than having a trash bag fly off the cart, tear open, unravel and dump dirty lingerie on the floor.  It just isn’t pretty.

Folks, if you don’t want to shell out for fancy luggage, at least throw 30 bucks toward an imitation bag.  Bringing trash bags into a hotel lobby of any star level is just not a good look.  It speaks volumes about your character.

And definitely not in the way you think.

The guests I met in 1604 were in good ol’ NYC for wild times and wild times is what they were going to get.

There time in New York was winding down and Blondie was becoming anxious.  “When are we going to hang?”

Somehow amongst the endless working hours at the hotel I was able to manage a day off before this three some took off back to Michigan.

It was as if she had been waiting all day for my phone call:

“Hello,” she whispered.

“Hey sexy.”

“Who is this?”

“Your favorite bellman.”

“Oh my GOD!  When am I going to see you?” she says

“Whenever you want, I’m off tonight.”

“Can you stay here with us?”

“Ummm..I can’t really stay at the hotel.  If I get caught sleeping in a guest room I can get fired.  What if we keep it in the same hotel family though?  My company has a few other hotels in N.Y.C.”

“O.K., Let’s do it.”

My heart’s thumping.  Am  I really going to  hook up with a guest?  Does that make me an utter scum bag?  Is this a setup?

She’s hot.  We hit it off.  What’s so wrong with that?

Things were running smooth.  I meet her for dinner with her friends.  It feels like college again.  One big party!  The drinks, the laughs, the goofiness ensues.

But as dinner comes to an end and the warm feelings take over my body, Blondie tells me her luggage is still at the old hotel where I work.

What else could I do but face the problem head on?  We jumped in a cab and headed uptown.

As the cab pulled up to my hotel, and my fellow bellman brothers opened the door, they saw me smiling with a young lady waiting impatiently in the cab.  Nothing out of the ordinary, but then I handed over the luggage tickets.

“A guest of ours, huh?” replies a slick talking bellman from L.I.

Then came the jokes, the outbursts of laughter, and the head shakes.  I felt my face turning bright red.

“I hope she doesn’t see or here any of this.”

The bags come out.  I load them up in the taxi and tip my fellow bellman.  Yes, I tipped him.  It’s the principal of the matter.

Blondie and I make it over to our new hotel locking tongues on the way.  Lots of tongues.  Tasteful tongues.  We arrive and I learn from my favorite lady friend that  we’re already checked in.

“Shit are her friends staying in the room to?  Does that mean no nookie?!”

We get to the room of this upper class boutique hotel and, as the key card opens the door of love,  I see her two friends laying in the only bed  in the room. “FUCK!” There goes my night.

Or maybe not.  After a few minutes of small talk with her friend, Blondie grabs my hand and pulls me into the room’s enormous bath room with none other than a HUGE Japanese bath tub. OMG!  Yeah, I said it.  Things started getting bigger.

What happened next, was the Bath Tub Love Tour.  We got it on like Donkey Kong.  All night!  While her 2 friends “slept” in the bedroom area.

It was wild.

The next morning we all got breakfast at a local Diner.  I picked up the bill.  It was the least I could do.  And an hour later, Blondie and her crew were off to Michigan and I to my next shift.

That’s my humble take on it.

That being said.  If you are a celebrity, I still expect you to take care of me like a celebrity would.  Why?  Cuz, you are a celebrity.  Pretty simple.  In this day and age, the ease of having your name tarnished in the tabloids is a second away.  And although I have never stooped that low, I’ve gotten really close.  I’ve seen some crazy shit.

This article though is more of a celebration of a gentleman and a scholar.  A true down to earth person who is gracious and giving.  I had to check myself, because I was biased.  Of all celebrities in this world, I never would have guessed this guy to be the one who would hook me up with all the trimmings.

But he did, and he is the man for it….drum roll please…

He’s a regular on SNL, has shot tons of movies, and could be your baby’s daddy….Give it up for the one and only Kenan  Thompson.

Yes, Kenan Thompson.  I have had the pleasure to check him into my hotel numerous times.  And every time he comes into town, this guy tips me handsomely.  Most recently it was in the form of $160.00 big ones.  And all for one small duffel bag.

I appreciate celebrities like Kenan, because they understand the value of the working man.

Thanks Kenan!

When it comes to traveling, I hate the French!

French people are up there with the worst tippers of all time.  To make matters worse, they also compete for the world’s worst B.O.

Dealing with French people at hotels is like pulling each of your teeth out, one by one.  It’s like pouring salt in open wounds.  It’s like having to live in a dump for a day.  Get the drift?

Today I had the wonderful pleasure of assisting a guest with 10 large crates of luggage.  Roughly about 5 feet by 2 feet wide.  Each of these cases weighing anywhere from 100 to 200 pounds, and not to mention were high up on top of a flat bed truck.

Yes somebody had the audacity to check in to our hotel with that much luggage.  Truly, I don’t mind how much it is, as long as I’m getting paid.  And paid well.

Well, Mr. French Fashion Designer had 3 bellmen working their butts off for him today(me included), on top of a truck, and hauling these crates left and right.  Then he wanted them stored.  Fine to me, just adding up the amount he was going to have to shell out.

Guess what?  When it came time to pay, Frenchie only had five dollars on him.  Hold, while I hack up my lungs.  I couldn’t believe it.

“Five bucks!  I got a hernia buddy! Was this guy serious?” I thought.

After a lengthy discussion with my manager, I learned Frenchie was a very cheap man, but also had multiple rooms with us.  At any union hotel this guy literally would have had to shell up the money right then and there.  But since I’m not at a union hotel, the manager waved the fee for our “guest.”

Don’t worry we got paid.  Our hotel has a very uncommon practice of paying out bellman from a house account.  All in all we may about 30 bucks a pop.

But, it still stings a bit.  All that work and Frenchie’s pockets didn’t feel the affect of any of it.

I wonder if those crates made it back to him in one piece?

People!  What did I tell you?!

Walking down Broadway, I was stunned to find a huge advertisement literally covering the side of a building with the phrase “NEW YORK HAS BED BUGS.”

It turns out, the city or the hotels don’t want it to be a secret anymore.  Well, I guess that isn’t totally true.  This ad was in the heart of Times Square on the side of an apartment building not on the side of any hotel buildings.  “We wouldn’t want to scare any potential travelers away from our establishment, would we?”

Protect yourself people.  You don’t want the brown blood suckers following you home and infecting your pad.

Great news for all of you that want to let your guards down and let it all hang loose. It’s fun to dance, drink, socialize, etc.  We get caught up in our busy worlds so much that we forget to enjoy ourselves.  So, of course I am all for people having fun!

But with that being said, let’s not forget there is always a line which we should prevent ourselves from crossing.

Although death is note uncommon in hotels, this was my first experience with one related to drugs.

A middle aged gal had checked into our hotel with a few lady friends in the hopes of partying it up at our hotel and attending her favorite artists concert.  She was looking for one hell of a time too!  She had V.I.P tickets, an expensive suite, and a laundry list of party favors.  She was gonna rock this weekend out!

It wasn’t until later that we realized the reason why she was partying like a rock star was the fact that she was set to be married on Monday.  It was her bachelorette party.

Well, cocaine got the best of our party girl.  Our security guards were called up to her room the  morning after she arrived by her friend who was also sharing the same room.  Our soon to be bride was in a very awkward position.  It looked like she had been dragged.  All in the good ol’ name of cocaine.  If she had had her wits about her maybe this wouldn’t of happened.  But it did.  She was dead.  And the details of her death were murky.

Later that evening homicide detectives rolled onto the scene to decipher whether to classify it as a homicide or accident.  That investigation is still pending … not a good sign.

The worst of it all though came from her fiance who had driven three hours to the hotel on the assumption that his soon to be wife had hurt herself and was ALIVE in the hospital.  Not so much.

It’s hard to watch a grown man cry.

Stay off the coke people.

Major cities are the melting pots of beautiful world cultures.  This is great when it comes to learning about new societies, music, education, science and so forth, but becomes tricky when we consider the pathogens delivered from these world cultures (smallpox, anyone?).

There is an epidemic in New York City that is the Bed Bug. If you are not aware of what Bed Bugs are, you better get hip to it soon.  These parasitic insects feed on the blood of human beings and warm blooded animals and are extremely rampant in many hotels.  We can thank Europe for this lovely creature which have recently made a resurgence in the U.S.

When bed bugs attack, you will wake up to find yourself covered in bite marks.  If you were unaware of bed bugs, you may assume that this is just a matter of one creepy spider.  False.  The parasites have gotten the best of you.  In fact, if you stay a few days in a room with bed bugs, you will soon be able to actually see them, as they get bigger with your blood.  Disgusting, right?

Oh, it gets worse.  Bed bugs like to travel.  They cling to clothes, luggage, paper, anything to keep their game going.  And being so small, it’s hard to tell if you have been compromised.  So, now you become the European, infecting other rooms, businesses and, yes, your very own home.

I had a friend in New York who learned of a bed bug infiltration in his apartment and literally had to throw out every single piece of furniture, clothing, book, paper, carpet. etc.  Obtaining bed bugs is pure hell!  It will change your life, and probably not in a positive way.

Getting rid of bed bugs is a whole different game.  Even if you have your place fumigated, which can take weeks before it’s effective, the results are not 100%.  These parasites are tricky little buggers, pun intended.

Feeling itchy yet?  Well, here’s the icing on the cake.   One of the hotels I worked in actually had a major bed bug infestation on two of its floors.  Talking dollars and cents, that’s about 100 rooms, at an average cost of $500 a night, and a daily revenue hovering at $50,000.  This doesn’t include the amount of money lost on its bars, restaurants and room service.

Now, let’s be real here, people.  We all know money is what makes this crazy world go ’round and ’round.  Do you really think my hotel was going to have the good heart to close down those two floors for a month, costing it somewhere in the ballpark figure of $1,500, 000? Hell, no!

What I learned is that management would have rooms known to be infected with the little brown bugs fumigated in the morning and rented by the afternoon.  Yes, you heard me correct. These infected rooms would not be taken off the market, they would simply be tidied up.  The good ol’ half-assed way.

For weeks, I would read from guests that emailed their experiences to the hotel and what a surprise when I read:

“We loved everything, but there seemed to be a mosquito in the room that bit my son to pieces.”

“The bar was amazing, but when I woke up with spider bites I wasn’t too happy.”

“The restaurant service was truly exceptional.  There may have been an insect problem, I woke up with mysterious bites all over me.”

Oh, God!!!  I was so appalled.  I do think I threw up in my mouth a few times.

One day a housekeeper even told me, “Be careful, de are bugs on de floors.  Everywhere.  De get on your clothes.  Be careful.”  Walking down the halls of these floors, I soon found myself with butterflies in my stomach and on constant look out for anything that wanted my blood.  The bed bugs had gotten to my brain.

The Bed Bugs had won. They always win. They continue to march on.

Moral: Do your research before you stay at any hotel.  Check for online reviews of hotels that mention bug issues.  If  nothing was done to rectify the problem, stay far away from that hotel or… get ready to feel the itch.